New Year Resolutions in Bizarro World

I don't do new year's resolutions. If I want to do or start something, I think its far more effective (for me at least) to start on a random Thursday mid-day rather than that "I'll start on Monday" attitude. For the most part, I don't like to give anything up totally because I think deprivation is the key to craziness and everything is OK in moderation. Then came kids...and their stupid little narc heavy "just say no" programs at school. So I have to provide the example. Illegal drugs are bad. I concur. But alcohol and tobacco? Last time I checked, they were still legal. Who started the Dare program anyway? Bitch.

So here is my New Year's Resolution list for myself if I lived in Bizarro world. Where consequences wouldn't matter and I wouldn't need to be around for grandkids and all that warm fuzzy crap.

In bizarro world I resolve to:
1) Start each day with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. It gets the bowels and metabolism going in one shot and just would put me in a much better mood to deal with grouchy kiddos.
2) Stop getting up at 4:45 to run and resolve to sleep later! I am much better with 8 hours of sleep and I dare say I would be thinner and healthier with more sleep. The obvious answer would be to go to sleep earlier in the evening, but then I would miss Everybody Loves Raymond in syndication.
3)Eat more junk food and cook less. I was much thinner when I ate whatever the hell I wanted and didn't have to cook for picky finicky eaters. I resolve to let them fend for themselves and go back to eating when I'm hungry and moreover, eating what I'm hungry for which means I am satisfied with smaller portions and I'm not cleaning the leftovers from those picky eater's plates.
4)Happy hour every Thursday evening. I used to enjoy meeting somewhere from 5-8 or so and then coming home to watch Knots Landing. Fond memories.
5)Date night every Friday evening. This could be combined with happy hour on Thursday, but somehow I think that would be "worlds colliding". What I remember being fun about happy hour is different from what I miss about dating my big hunk a man. Nothing inappropriate about either, BTW. I just miss laughing and talking and socializing with happy hour and I miss laughing and talking and socializing during our dates. That made no sense, but they are different. Oh, and for those who manage the date night in real world and not bizarro world, I applaud you. You either have child labor for free with an older child, extra $$ for babysitters that we don't want to spend, or family in town for children dumping. Either way, weekly date night is very much a bizarro world fantasy for me at this juncture.
6)Weekly massage. With no happy ending.
7) More time to watch smut tv. I just can't seem to fit in all of the reality shows and HBO series and home improvement and sci fi movies that I need to watch. Its a problem.
8) On the vanity front, and since we are in my own fantasy, I would like the zap all my spider veins and also find a way to get a boob job without the risk of surgery and the explanation to my daughter that I didn't think I was good enough as is. Just for that I will never get one. I can't change what message that would send to her even in bizarro world, so scrap it. I'll stick to hi-lighting my hair and trying to explain that one.

Well, that time in fantasy land felt really good and made me ready and refreshed to go and tackle my sheets that need to be washed, cook my planned meal, and shower from my early morning run. I like the expression, "I'll sleep when I die". Well, I'll do all those other things too. I'm sure there's happy hour in Heaven. If not, I'll plan it when I get there.